Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary to the best decision I ever made. Today is Peter and my 6 year anniversary. We had this whirlwind romance one summer and fell completely head over heels in love. He had just moved back to CA after working many years as an airplane mechanic and was laid off so he came home to California. I had the summer off and was footloose and fancy free. We both had lots of time on our hands and we spent all of it together. Three short months later he asked me to marry him and I said yes yes yes. My parents said a big WHAT? as he was still unemployed, but I had faith. He did get a job and is a responsible loving husband and father. We both understood my families reaction but what can a girl do when she's in love.

My wedding Party

I love you honey


My girls. These are the girls who have stuck by my side through thick and thin. I don't always talk to them as much as I should, but I always know they are only a phone call away. I love you ladies.

Sponsored student

Meet our student sponsored through Mayan Families in honor of our angel Luciana. Here is this cuties story. Her life in unimaginably hard can you believe with all she has to bear she can still present that beautiful smile. She gives me the strength to continue smiling as my troubles seem to pale in comparison to hers. If you would like information on sponsoring a child please go to the Mayan Families link on the side of this page.

Emy is 6yrs old. . She lives in Panajachel.
> She is in kindergarten.
>
>
> She lives with her father, Ernesto 30yrs old and her mother Alicia, 29yrs
> old.
> She has one brother and one sister.
> Felix is 11yrs old. He is in 6th grade.
> Emy is 6yrs old. She is in kindergarten.
>
> Ernesto works as an assistant at carnivals. He only comes home once a
> month. He drinks a lot and he does not give enough money to Alicia to
> be able to support the family. He is physically abusive when he is
> drunk.
>
> Alicia washes clothes by hand in private houses. She earns $8 US per week.
>
> They own their home. They have two rooms made of cement block.
> The roof is tin sheeting.
> The floor is cement.
> They have an outside kitchen made of cement blocks, floor is cement
> and tin roof.
> They have three beds.
> They do not have enough blankets for the bed.
> They do not have a closet.
> They keep their clothes on a shelf.
> They have one table and two chairs.
> They have a pila.
> They have a bathroom.
> They have electicity connected. They pay $11 US per month.
> They have water connected and pay $1 US per month. They have not paid
> the water bill for three years.
> They have a small woodburning stove.
> They do not have an onil stove.
> They do not have a water filter.
>
> Felix has a heart problem. He has an enlarged heart. When he was a
> baby he received treatment. Last year he started having pains in his
> chest. The mother has not been able to afford treatment for Felix.
> The father does not believe that the son is ill and will not help the
> mother financially to be able to pay for his medical treatment.
>
> Alicia also suffers from pain in her back and she says pain in her
> lung. She has a lot of black spots appearing on her body.
>
> They often do not have enough to eat. When they have food it is
> mainly beans and pasta. Often they have only tortillas with salt to
> eat.

God bless you little Emy!

FFF Father's Day

Meeting his baby girl for the first time

So your my daddy. Ya know your pretty handsome.

Father's Day was unfortunately swept under the rug this year due to a family emergency. So I wanted to give Lily's daddy and my honey an extra shout out on this fathers day post. Peter didn't know if he was up to this task. He wasn't sure he would have enough patience to be someones Daddy. I assure you that he has surprised himself and he is wonderful and patient and funny with his girl. I am so proud that he is the father of our baby, I mean big girl. He is just such an amazing dad. So I love you honey and Happy Belated Fathers Day.

changed

So for now this blog is still about me as I am in need of some healing and this appears to be my spot to do a lot of it. I have not suffered great loss in my 33 years of life. The people I have lost have been elderly and although sad it has been expected. The funny thing about miscarriage is most of the time one does not feel aloud to grieve because the baby was only real to you. This miscarriage I feel more aloud to grieve because we had ultrasound pics of a developed baby girl. I know I don't need the right to grieve but Luciana was real to me and I want to thank each of you who has aknowleged this. Grief is kind of like a winter storm where you feel like everything is grey and without life and healing is like the spring weather where things begin to bloom and things you don't know were there before begin to come to life. I am taking steps to honor my Lucy. I have wanted to sponsor a child, but for me there was always a but. I was saving money so I could take off of work to just be a mommy to my two girls for a little while so that was my big but. Some of that money is now going to a much needed vacation for my family where we can relax have fun and breathe new life into our family. Another portion is going to a much more important cause and that will be to help an angel in guatemala. My mom and I are each going to sponsor a child in the name of Luciana. A little spring blossom coming to life. The second spring blossom is that I have remembered why I am in LOVE with my husband. Not that I ever forgot honey :) but we all know what happens in life you are married for several years and you just coast along taking the other for granted. I am seriously in guilt of this. My savior, Knight in shining armor, and best friend has been amazing through this process. I would not want anyone else by my side sharing this winter storm. Thank you thank you honey for being the most wonderful husband and father EVER. Lastly I said that I would remove these words from my blog but I may just keep them here. It doesn't feel right to erase my girl from existance. Lily will know all too well that life is not fair and that you will need to overcome many winter storms. Being an adopted child she was born into a winter storm and gets to create as many spring blossoms as she wants along her journey. I think she should know of storms that others have weathered. I am doing her no justice by making life appear rosie all the time. Last but not least here are some new photos. Really isn't that why we come here. Lily is life and love and my heart I am so happy to have this child in my life. Makin brownies for mommies party. Sleeping angel "Wook mommy I'm playing in the sandals." Smilin and swimming!

Loss

I am going to write these words here because I must get them out of me. I must find a way to face all I told with a brave face and a heavy heart. I will never know why. Why I was aloud to feel small flutterings inside of me and see ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. A nose so small and four chambers of a perfect beating little heart. I will never get to know why I got to hear the words whispered that it was a girl. And the joy in knowing her name as she floated in my tummy. I am writing these words here because I know I am going to have to face the world and here is my one tiny step when what I want to do is crawl into a hole and cover my head. This is my vehicle my first step in my journey to wholeness again. Luciana was her name. She was gonna have curly dark hair thats what my dreams will let me imagine of a little one that will never be. I am going to allow myself to grieve this loss and then I am going to take these words away from this blog. Not because I want my Lucy to be forgotten. I assure you I will always hold her close to my heart and I will always remember, but this blog is a place of happiness and a place of growth and it is not for me. It is for Lily. I want her to look back on her story as she grows up and Lucy is not a part of her story she is a part of mine. As I allow myself time to grieve the loss of Lucy I am so happy for my miracle. I am so happy that the world brought us together and I have this little person to cuddle and love. As I grieve the loss of Lucy I get to celebrate the life of Lily. What a lucky mama I am to have such a wonderful family.

FFF #6

This weeks theme for favorite foto friday is bloopers. I haven't had a good blooper in awhile but we sure did when sass was little. Here are a few of my favorites. The finger in the nose is purely accidental and my favorite. Now she thinks putting her finger in her nose is a funny game and shrills in delight when I ask her to stop. It is seriously hard not to laugh!



On a more serious note I need the power of positive thought. I am still bleeding during this pregnancy. The doctor says she would be surprised if I miscarried at this point and the baby looks really great. It is disconcerting anyways as bleeding during pregnancy has never ended well in the past. So keep our unborn baby girl in your thoughts and prayers for us.

we got pink!

I know the title is decieving because in the adoption world this means something totally different but this pregnancy continues to feel just like the ups and downs of adoption. Yesterday was quite the day. Let me start off by saying that everything turns out well. Over the last few days I have been feeling crampy and just out of sorts. I just thought it was pregnancy stuff and went about my business. Yesterday however I decided to call the doc just to find out. So I am able to leave a very calm message for my doctor about cramping and a little brown spotting (sorry for the detail but if you've ever had a miscarriage the colors important.) and should I wait till my app. on thursday or did she want to see me sooner, then I went along enjoying my day and awaiting a phone call. Then I used the restroom, at this same time the phone rang, and I also saw an alarming bright pink color on the toilet paper. So by the time I reached the phone the calm cool and collected girl that called was gone and frightened hysterical Sarah had arrived. Erin, who is my doctors right hand lady, was on the other end. She has seen me through every one of my miscarriages and I really feel like she is a friend. I know thats silly but whatever. So she tells me she will set up an ultrasound and to get on the phone and find someone to watch Lily. I call my saint I mean mom :) she is on her way to an appointment but she turns her car around and comes to my rescue. Moms, especially mine, are wonderful. Then I call Peter who didn't even hear me past I'm bleeding he said I'm coming home. So my saint and my knight and shining armor come to my rescue. Erin calls me back and says she is super sorry but the soonest ultrasound she can get is 3:00 it is 9:30 in the morning at this point. My mom took Lily to her house and Peter and I lay on the couch cuddled up trying to find a movie to keep our mind off the current situation. About 15 minutes later Erin calls me back to say that a doctor has an opening and she wants to see me. I can not tell you the relief of not having to wait another 6 hours. At the doctors office they find a heartbeat and check my cervix which is not dialating. Can you hear my squeals of delight, but we keep the ultrasound appointment at 3. Now Peter and I feel much better and we decide since we have a day together we should go out to lunch. At 3 oclock we go to our ultrasound app. where our cutie pie is kickin back with feet up in the air as if to say hi guys I don't know what all the fuss is about. I'm fine in here thanks for the cozy spot mom. And now for the pink, it is still pretty early to tell but the technician says she thinks our Alexander is an Alexandra! there are no boy parts to speak of. She said the story may change at the next appointment but were pretty sure we have to get busy thinking of a girls name. Keep me in your thoughts as my doctor has not recieved the results of the ultrasound yet, but the technician said she thought things looked great and we have a very photogenic little girl. I thought that was funny!

Summers Here!

I don't have any new pictures. I have been very bad about taking the camera out of my purse but I must share. Last year Lily was not a happy water baby. Swimming lessons were a bit like torture. The above picture is one I took after telling her we were going to swimming lessons last summer. This year my good friend has been gracious enough to give swimming lessons at her moms pool. I went to our first lesson with the expectation that Lil and I would just hang back on the edge and watch. She refused to put on a swim diaper or a bathing suit. So she stood on the edge of the pool fully clothed and splashed. Then she saw a rather enticing toy and I told her we could go get it together. She was hesitant but then she said okay and in she went clothes and all. She floated on her tummy, put her mouth in the water, loved ring around the rosie (which is pocket ashes song in Lily speak), and even wanted me to continually throw her up in the air and catch her. Today we went swimming in our kiddy pool in a swim diaper. So she is coming around to the idea that water is fun. I am so excited.

One more story. On my last day of work I was getting into my car after loading Lily and all her necessities into the car. I sit in the seat turn on the engine to hear EAT come from the back seat. I go in the house grab some grapes and a juice cup and come back to the car. Hand mi princesa the grapes and hear crackers. I tell her she can have grapes and that we are going to get Nonnie coffee so she can have a muffin. Lily is alright with this hands me the grapes and says no like. We are driving a few minutes and I hear grapes come from the backseat so I hand her the bag and all is quiet. Then I see hand outstretched and no like it comes from the back. I take the grapes back and we continue. A few minutes later I hear a whole sentence. Mommy pancakes please. Wow a please! I tell her I'm sorry honey Mommy doesn't have pancakes. All is quiet again for a few minutes. Then at the top of her little lungs which I might add don't seem that little she yells PANCAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I laughed until tears were streming down my face. Sure honey let me just whip you up some pancakes here in the front seat.
Signing out for now servent mommy.