Today I took on a task I've been avoiding. I cleaned out Lily's closet. For some reason this mundane task felt as if it was going to bring me to my knees. It's like an admission that I have to let go of my baby. I still call her baby and so far she does not protest but I know the time is coming soon that she will tell me she is certainly no baby. As I write these words I want to cry. I am so proud of her. She is amazing and charming and fiesty and becoming quite articulate. I am in awe that somehow we found eachother and I get to be her mother. But there is a piece of me that is mourning the loss of her babiness. Part of it is the realization that she is going to be my only baby and once she is big that part of my life is a piece of myself I will not get to grasp again. Did I enjoy it enough? Did I live in the moment enough? Did I smell her sweet scent enough while she would cuddle and snuggle? I want for some reason to hang onto all these tiny items. They are like remembrances of how small she was. I know I can not hoard all her clothes. I saw that Oprah show with that lady. I can not become that lady. So I have settled on three hats that remind me of special days. The flower hat is what she wore at her welcome home party. The brown hat she wore on her first birthday and the third just looked so damn cute on her I can't part with it.
3 comments:
Yep i hear ya!!! I hate cleaning out Abbys small clothes..I almost cry doing it!!!! So i just pass the clothes on to my friends babies and get to enjoy seeing them in the cute outfits!!!
I just wish they didnt grow up sooo darn fast!! My oldest is now 15!!!!! *tear*...
Oh, it must have been the weekend for that. I was doing the same thing and can't believe all the things I have had to clean out......I kept thinking, hmmm, maybe I should keep that for their dolls!! No more itty bitty babies except for our little teeny tiny furry baby!
Rhonda
http://fourchildrenrus.blogspot.com/
I feel exactly the same way. I have gotten rid of so much in the past 2 weeks that I feel as if I rushed rushed rushed to get that done just so that I wouldn't have to feel so sad. I am soooooo freakin' sad!!! She will probably be our one and only if times don't get better and I ask myself all the time ...am I enjoying this enough? Did I cuddle her enough because I already long to cuddle with her ...how am I going to feel 20 years from now? My God can I survive this? LOL and crying at the same time.
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