changed

So for now this blog is still about me as I am in need of some healing and this appears to be my spot to do a lot of it. I have not suffered great loss in my 33 years of life. The people I have lost have been elderly and although sad it has been expected. The funny thing about miscarriage is most of the time one does not feel aloud to grieve because the baby was only real to you. This miscarriage I feel more aloud to grieve because we had ultrasound pics of a developed baby girl. I know I don't need the right to grieve but Luciana was real to me and I want to thank each of you who has aknowleged this. Grief is kind of like a winter storm where you feel like everything is grey and without life and healing is like the spring weather where things begin to bloom and things you don't know were there before begin to come to life. I am taking steps to honor my Lucy. I have wanted to sponsor a child, but for me there was always a but. I was saving money so I could take off of work to just be a mommy to my two girls for a little while so that was my big but. Some of that money is now going to a much needed vacation for my family where we can relax have fun and breathe new life into our family. Another portion is going to a much more important cause and that will be to help an angel in guatemala. My mom and I are each going to sponsor a child in the name of Luciana. A little spring blossom coming to life. The second spring blossom is that I have remembered why I am in LOVE with my husband. Not that I ever forgot honey :) but we all know what happens in life you are married for several years and you just coast along taking the other for granted. I am seriously in guilt of this. My savior, Knight in shining armor, and best friend has been amazing through this process. I would not want anyone else by my side sharing this winter storm. Thank you thank you honey for being the most wonderful husband and father EVER. Lastly I said that I would remove these words from my blog but I may just keep them here. It doesn't feel right to erase my girl from existance. Lily will know all too well that life is not fair and that you will need to overcome many winter storms. Being an adopted child she was born into a winter storm and gets to create as many spring blossoms as she wants along her journey. I think she should know of storms that others have weathered. I am doing her no justice by making life appear rosie all the time. Last but not least here are some new photos. Really isn't that why we come here. Lily is life and love and my heart I am so happy to have this child in my life. Makin brownies for mommies party. Sleeping angel "Wook mommy I'm playing in the sandals." Smilin and swimming!