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Monday, June 16, 2008

Loss

I am going to write these words here because I must get them out of me. I must find a way to face all I told with a brave face and a heavy heart. I will never know why. Why I was aloud to feel small flutterings inside of me and see ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. A nose so small and four chambers of a perfect beating little heart. I will never get to know why I got to hear the words whispered that it was a girl. And the joy in knowing her name as she floated in my tummy. I am writing these words here because I know I am going to have to face the world and here is my one tiny step when what I want to do is crawl into a hole and cover my head. This is my vehicle my first step in my journey to wholeness again. Luciana was her name. She was gonna have curly dark hair thats what my dreams will let me imagine of a little one that will never be. I am going to allow myself to grieve this loss and then I am going to take these words away from this blog. Not because I want my Lucy to be forgotten. I assure you I will always hold her close to my heart and I will always remember, but this blog is a place of happiness and a place of growth and it is not for me. It is for Lily. I want her to look back on her story as she grows up and Lucy is not a part of her story she is a part of mine. As I allow myself time to grieve the loss of Lucy I am so happy for my miracle. I am so happy that the world brought us together and I have this little person to cuddle and love. As I grieve the loss of Lucy I get to celebrate the life of Lily. What a lucky mama I am to have such a wonderful family.

5 comments:

Robyn said...

I am so sorry. You will be in my thoughts and prayers!!

Robyn

Sarah said...

Oh Sarah... I am so sorry! Lucy was here... she was real... she changed you and she still is your daughter for forever. I grieve for you that you will never hold that curly dark haired little angel in your arms but know that she will forever be there in your heart.

Many prayers and hugs, my friend.

Monica said...

Hi Twin. You know I am here for ANYTHING that you need, even it is just to sit with you and silently offer love and comfort. I wish I knew why awful things happened to the very best people. Lucy was real and special and loved, and for all of us who know and love you (and Peter and Lily), she will be mourned. You are an amazing Mommy to both Lily and your new angel Lucy. I am here when you are ready. Tu eres mi amiga favorita...

MayasMom said...

Oh, Sarah. I cannot imagine your pain, as this is causing ME such grief. I wish there was something we could do for you to help ease your pain. Lucy was lucky to have you as her momma for 17 weeks. And I know Lily will have a special angel watching over her as she grows, just as I feel my dad is Maya and Maria's special angel.

The Flores Family(Maria, Jose , Jose L. and Jose A) said...

Hi

Praying for your healing. It is not easy. May God bring you peace and comfort! But keep writing about your feelings, it is good therapy........it was for me at least until I felt stronger. I started another blog and cry my heart out there........
the flores family