Loss

I am going to write these words here because I must get them out of me. I must find a way to face all I told with a brave face and a heavy heart. I will never know why. Why I was aloud to feel small flutterings inside of me and see ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. A nose so small and four chambers of a perfect beating little heart. I will never get to know why I got to hear the words whispered that it was a girl. And the joy in knowing her name as she floated in my tummy. I am writing these words here because I know I am going to have to face the world and here is my one tiny step when what I want to do is crawl into a hole and cover my head. This is my vehicle my first step in my journey to wholeness again. Luciana was her name. She was gonna have curly dark hair thats what my dreams will let me imagine of a little one that will never be. I am going to allow myself to grieve this loss and then I am going to take these words away from this blog. Not because I want my Lucy to be forgotten. I assure you I will always hold her close to my heart and I will always remember, but this blog is a place of happiness and a place of growth and it is not for me. It is for Lily. I want her to look back on her story as she grows up and Lucy is not a part of her story she is a part of mine. As I allow myself time to grieve the loss of Lucy I am so happy for my miracle. I am so happy that the world brought us together and I have this little person to cuddle and love. As I grieve the loss of Lucy I get to celebrate the life of Lily. What a lucky mama I am to have such a wonderful family.