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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thankful

I have been muling this thanksgiving post in my head for several weeks months. I am not really sure. This day of thanks has been hanging over me. This was my due date. It is like a dark cloud looming overhead. I know it's there sometimes I want to choke the words out scream them. It was supposed to all be different I am supposed to be the stuffed turkey this year. Truth be told I don't want to spend my day thinking and clinging to this. Lucy was lost a while ago and I have come to accept this fact. I have come to accept my place as a mother to an only child. The best gift a mother could have the only gift that is really needed. But even still this day feels like it needs to be commemorated somehow but how I do not know. I feel like I should be doing something to honor my angel baby on the day that she should be fighting to enter this world but I do not know how one is supposed to honor or commemorate someone that wasn't. Peter Lily and I are going to spend a quiet day just the three of us. And maybe that is enough. Maybe it is enough that I give thanks today for the family I do have and not cling to the one that could have been.


This year has been one of the most difficult years of my life. When I think of all I do have it makes my difficulties seem so minor and pale in comparison to the things that are happening to people all around the world. So as I speak to my hardships know that I know they could be much worse. This year I lost two things very dear to me. The first was my status as a homeowner. The stability of owning ones home is something maybe you don't think about until you have lost it. Or perhaps I didn't think about it and that is why it is lost. I am not blaming or asking for sympathy I am not asking for a government bailout or a handout. I made financial mistakes that cost me dearly. So you pick up and move on. I have learned a valuable lesson the very hard way. The loss of Luciana is something that I had no control over. Losing my home I can prevent in the future if I am ever to become the lucky owner of a home again. But the other loss there will be no cure for in the future. No amount of smarts could have prevented it. This brings both comfort and sadness. Comfort in knowing that I was not the direct cause and sadness in knowing it is the end of my battle with infertility.


So I will be happy to see this year come to a close. I will be happy to end the doom and gloom of 2008. I will be happy to shed my 33 year and grow a year older. So even though I am complaining and venting in my thanksgiving post I know what I do have and that is why this thanksgiving is particularly special. I am even more thankful for the roof over my head. I am even more thankful for the husband who loves me. The child I have the priveledge of raising. I am thankful for my infertility without it there would be no Lily under my roof. I am thankful for the food on my table, the ability to help provide for my family. A year of hardship brings lessons I am thankful for these lessons. I am thankful to know I am strong. I am thankful to know I have someone to catch me in moments of weakness. I am thankful for my job and the sweet class I have this year. So even with sadness and tragic loss I am a happy woman. I am thankful for my happiness. There is much to be thankful for in this world. It is what keeps me centered keeps me moving forward keeps me from slipping into the depression that could have been. I am thankful for knowing that whatever life throws my way there will always be things to be thankful for. I am thankful for that knowledge.



So Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends and family. This is the year I got to discover what being thankful is really all about. Thank you Lucy for making your mommy strong and thankful. I will be looking up at the stars on Thanksgiving night, I know you will be winking down at me. I will certainly be winking up at you.

5 comments:

Sarah said...

Sarah... no words to say that will comfort you today. I hope that you and Peter and Lily will honor your sweet angel in heaven by spending some special family time together and maybe send a pink balloon up to Lucy to help Lily understand that her baby sister will never be forgotten.

Yes, you have alot to be thankful for this year... and I pray that you find many more things to be thankful for in the new year!

Big huge hugs!

Vanessa said...

I agree no words can comfort you enough during this time of year!! I pray that you will find some peace and solice this holiday season!

Kelly said...

Agreed there are no words that I can offer that you will find comfort in. Know that I am praying for you and we are both very lucky to be mothers to two beautiful children.

Jen Hodder said...

Sarah-
I have felt compelled to comment on your blog many times, but this time most of all. Know that I am thinking of you and in regard to infertility, I don't want to say... I know exactly how you are feeling, because I don't....but I more than share many of your feelings! I find your blog extremely thereaputic at times and want to say thank you for sharing. You are helping people (like me) in ways you don't wven realize!

I hope you have a nice, peaceful day surrounded in the ones I know you LOVE!

Love,

Jen Hodder

(adopted Aviana '07 and saw you at the Guatemala picnic)

Rhonda said...

You are an amazing woman Sarah and a very strong one. Your post was very very moving. Blessings to you and your family.

HUGS, Rhonda